Life on the Edge Read online

  “I guess we have a situation here.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I searched Sergei’s eyes, hoping I wouldn’t see the regret they held the first time we kissed. “Is that what we are–a situation?”

  He touched his forehead to mine and combed his fingers through my hair. “I wasn’t expecting this to happen.”

  “I’m really glad it happened.” I tightened my arms around him, afraid he could slip away at any moment.

  “Emily.” He sighed, his voice thick with emotion.

  He’d spoken my name thousands of times, but the way he said it now made me weak in the knees. The silkiness of his hands in my hair was also making me light-headed. I leaned into him, but he stepped backward and unraveled my arms from around his neck.

  Holding onto my hands, he said, “This isn’t going to be easy.”

  Red flashing alarms went off in my head. I’d been down this painful road before, and I couldn’t travel it again.

  “Please don’t push me away,” I half-pleaded and half-demanded.

  “I’m not. I’m just thinking out loud . . . about where we go from here.” He stared at the backs of my hands, where he traced tiny circles with his thumbs. “We can’t be seen together.”

  Since the moment I’d kissed Sergei, I’d tried to shut out reality and pretend our situation wasn’t a complicated one. But now I was in a free fall from the clouds, back to Earth, where I competed in a sport with more unwritten rules than I could count.

  I took a little walk past Sergei, needing space to process his statement. “What would happen if we were?”

  He joined me in front of the dresser. “Your commitment and my credibility would be questioned,” he said softly. “We need all the support we can get from the federation, and they wouldn’t approve of this.”

  “Then it doesn’t sound like we’re going anywhere from here.” I looked away, trying to hide the frustration brewing in my heart.

  “No, you’re wrong. I don’t know how, but there has to be a way we can make this work.” He slid his hands around my waist and drew me to him. “Because I have to be with you.”

  The passion blazing in his eyes sent a thrill of both excitement and fear through me. What I felt was more powerful than anything I’d ever experienced in my life.

  Sergei kissed me, his lips stroking mine with a slow caress. I brought my hand up to his cheek, touching the prickly stubble. So many times I’d wanted to do that, to feel the warmth of his skin.

  “Maybe I can make us private dinners at my house.” I smiled. “I have a very large recipe box.”

  “You also have a roommate.”

  “I can trust Aubrey. She won’t tell anyone.” But she probably will yell at me and list a thousand reasons why this is a bad idea. I pushed that thought aside and curled my fingers along the back of Sergei’s neck and into his hair.

  He cradled my face in his hands, and I shivered from the softness of his touch. “We have to be very careful, Em.”

  My mind raced. Everything between us had changed so quickly. “What made you finally tell me how you feel?”

  “I couldn’t pretend anymore that I don’t care. I missed you so much.” He trailed his thumb along my jaw. “And seeing you with Drew–”

  “Drew! Oh no! I told him I’d only be gone a minute. He’s probably wondering what happened to me.”

  “Does that mean you have to go?” Sergei nudged me closer to him.

  With a reluctant nod, I slipped out of his embrace, and we crept toward the door. Before opening it, I said, “I know we have a lot of things to figure out, but–”

  Sergei pressed his mouth to mine, silencing me with a long kiss that made me dizzy. When we parted, I had no idea what I’d been saying.

  “Sorry, I couldn’t stop myself.” Sergei’s lips brushed mine as he spoke.

  “Not a problem,” I whispered, still catching my breath.

  Sergei opened the door and glanced both ways down the hallway. I scooted around him, but before I made it through the doorway, he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. I resisted the urge to seek another kiss, instead smiling and mouthing, “Bye.”

  On the ride down to Trevor’s room, I used my fingers as a comb, smoothing my hair where Sergei’s hands had been tangled. My face grew hot just thinking about his touch.

  Did that really happen? Are we together now? Like a couple?

  I had no idea how I was going to walk into the party and act like everything was normal.

  Drew greeted me at the door with a beer in hand. “Are you okay? You look a little frazzled.”

  “I’m just tired.” And so begin the lies. “I’m going back to my room, but I wanted to tell you thanks for a fun night.” I gave him a hug.

  “Yeah, it was great. I wish we could hang out more often.”

  Surrounded by so many people crowded together and talking loudly, I felt smothered and still overwhelmed from what had happened in Sergei’s room. “I’m gonna talk to Aubrey for a sec.”

  I snaked through the throng standing around the bed and found Aubrey sitting on Zach’s lap. They were laughing as they thumb wrestled and tickled each other with their free hands. I raised an eyebrow, and Aubrey saw me staring at her.

  “Where’d you disappear to?” she asked.

  “Can you take a walk with me?”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I just need to talk to you.”

  She stood up and flipped her blond hair over her shoulder. “I’ll be back,” she told Zach.

  When we reached the hall, I gave her a sidelong glance. “What’s up with you two?”

  “Marley asked me the same thing. We’re having fun. Not everything has to be a big romance.”

  I held up my hands in surrender. “Okay.”

  In the darkness of our room, I groped for the lamp switch. Aubrey sat on my bed and curled her legs under her, while I kicked off my heels and sat beside her.

  “What I’m going to tell you has to stay between us. Absolutely no one can know.”

  Concern narrowed her green eyes. “You’re scaring me a little.”

  “It’s nothing bad.” I hesitated and ran my palm over the silky flowered comforter. “I went to see Sergei because he said something to me about Drew earlier, and when I was in his room . . .” I paused and smiled a little. “He told me he wants to be with me.”

  Aubrey’s face froze with her mouth slightly ajar. “What do you mean, he wants to be with you?”

  “I think, in a relationship.”

  “A relationship?” She looked at me like I’d committed career suicide. “Are you serious? If the fed finds out, they will flip out.”

  “I know, but if we’re careful . . .”

  “This isn’t like you, Em. You don’t do crazy, impulsive things like this. I thought you would’ve gotten over your crush–”

  “It’s not a crush.” I slid off the bed and wandered to the desk. Turning around, I took a deep breath and hugged my arms. “I think I’m in love with him.”

  It felt liberating to admit what had been hiding in my heart for so long. But Aubrey’s look of pity squashed my moment of relief.

  “Did you tell Sergei that?”

  “No.” I shook my head vigorously.

  “Good.” Aubrey swung her legs over the side of the bed and stared across the room, seemingly at nothing in particular. “Why would he do something this risky? He has to know all the things that could go wrong.”

  “We tried to stay away from each other, but we can’t help how we feel.”

  “Can you really trust him, Em? What if . . .” She softened her voice. “What if he’s just looking for sex?”

  I planted my feet in a firm stance. “He’s not like that. And I can trust him.”

  “I just don’t want you to get hurt. If things go bad between you, think how hard it’ll be to train with him. There’s a reason why the fed doesn’t want coaches and students getting involved.”

  I relaxed my posture and rested aga
inst the desk. “I’m willing to take that chance.”

  “This is so cra–”

  A loud knock on the door interrupted her. I marched through the room and answered it revealing Chris, Marley, and Zach, all bundled up in jackets.

  “It’s snowing like crazy outside,” Chris said. “We’re going downstairs to check it out.”

  “We’re kinda in the middle of something,” Aubrey called from the bed.

  I went over to the tiny closet for my jacket and boots. “Actually, I could use some fresh air.”

  Aubrey grabbed her coat, and as she passed me, she whispered, “We’re gonna talk more about this.”

  Outside, the snow blew sideways, swirling around us and piling up on the sidewalk. I pulled my knit hat further down over my ears.

  Zach picked up a handful of ice and slung it at Chris, smacking him in the chest.

  “Dude!” Chris yelled.

  He rolled a large ball of snow, while Zach took off running down the street. As Chris dashed after him, their howls broke the silence of the quiet night.

  “Boys,” Marley said, shaking her head.

  Tiny snowflakes stuck to my face, and I closed my eyes, imagining they were kisses from Sergei. Tonight had been magical, no matter what Aubrey said. As I gazed up at the hotel, I wondered if Sergei was thinking about me. What if he changed his mind about us once the light of morning came?

  Chapter Fourteen

  By morning, a foot of snow had fallen over Boston. I stared out my hotel room window at the city blanketed in white. The bright sunshine made everything look clean and calm in the wake of the previous night’s storm.

  As champions, Chris and I had to skate in the Exhibition featuring the medalists from all the events, so I gathered my bag and my costume and headed downstairs to the bus, glad Aubrey had already left. She’d peppered me with concerns and questions into the wee hours. Questions I couldn’t answer because I had no idea where Sergei and I stood. Our time together in his room had been a whirlwind of confessions and kisses, and I wasn’t sure what any of it meant for the immediate future.

  Coaches often didn’t attend the show, so I wasn’t counting on seeing Sergei at the arena. If I did see him, I didn’t know what I’d even say.

  The gold medalists wouldn’t skate until the end of the Exhibition, so I sat in the lounge backstage at the Fleet Center and watched the show on the monitor, keeping one eye on the door. With no sign of Sergei, I donned my royal blue dress and prepared to take the ice.

  The arena lights were down for the event, adding to the “show” atmosphere, and the crowd erupted as soon as Chris and I stepped into the spotlight. When the announcer introduced us as national champions, chill bumps sprang up on my arms. It was the first time I’d heard the title spoken with our names.

  We’d chosen “Blue Dress” by Depeche Mode for our program, and a new confidence ruled my expression of the romantic movements. Skating as champions had lit an extra spark under me; I sensed it in Chris, too, as we flew across the rink.

  We left the ice to a standing ovation, and as we put on our skate guards, Sergei came out of the shadows in the tunnel. My heart rate, which had started to simmer down from the performance, shot back up.

  “Nice program,” Sergei said.

  “Did you see the size of the twist?” Chris walked toward the bin of bottled water down the hall. “And under spotlights!”

  I fidgeted with the straps of my dress and watched Sergei’s expression. He smiled at Chris’s comment but grew serious when he angled toward me.

  “Do you know somewhere we can talk privately later? Away from the hotel.”

  “Um . . .” I thought quickly. “We could go to the Public Garden. I doubt anyone will be out there.”

  “Why don’t we meet at the T station at seven?”

  The next three hours felt like a week. I showed up at the underground platform ten minutes early and smiled at the sight of Sergei studying the large system map on the wall. He spotted me, and his lips twitched upward.

  “The show today was great,” he said.

  “Yeah. Everybody had a lot of fun.”

  Small talk seemed so ridiculous, but we couldn’t have a heart-to-heart in the station. Sitting beside Sergei on the train, I rambled about ideas for Courtney and Mark’s new short program. If I kept talking, I wouldn’t think about how I wanted to reach over and touch him, feel his arms around me again.

  Mounds of ice coated every bench in the Garden, so we strolled along the shoveled path. We were almost to the footbridge over the frozen lagoon before Sergei stopped and spoke.

  “Last night I said some things I never thought I’d admit to you.”

  “Do you regret saying them?” I asked in a low voice.

  He stared at me for a long, aching moment. “No. But I understand if you’re having second thoughts.”

  A number of doubts had crossed my mind after my talk with Aubrey, but hearing Sergei’s certainty and seeing it in his eyes, I didn’t hesitate to answer, “I want this. I want to be with you, too.”

  He glanced around us and then wrapped me in his arms. I pressed my face to his jacket’s soft leather, inhaling the richness of its scent mixed with Sergei’s spicy cologne, a dizzying combination.

  Sergei stepped back, and the frigid night air replaced his cozy embrace. “It’s not going to be easy. We have to keep this quiet or we could face some serious backlash.”

  “I told Aubrey last night, and she threw every possible bad scenario at me.”

  “And you’re still here with me.”

  “I can’t turn back now. Not after knowing how you feel.”

  Sergei’s eyes danced over the area again, and he took my hand, guiding me out of the moonlight and under a canopy of snow-covered trees. He kissed me, and I opened my mouth to him, taking the kiss from soft to passionate. The temperature was below freezing, but all I could feel was the heat between us. We broke apart, and our ragged breaths crystallized in the air between us.

  “I wish I could do this right,” Sergei said. “Take you to dinner, touch you without looking over my shoulder . . .”

  “We’ll find a way to make it work. Like I said, I’ll cook for you anytime.” I smiled and tapped his chest.

  “I have very fond memories of the last meal I had at your house.”

  “Ah, yes, the dinner party.” I nodded. “That was a great night.”

  “I knew I was in trouble because you were all I thought about the next day.” He gave my cheek a light touch.

  A movement of color on the footbridge caught my eye, and I saw a couple hand-in-hand, cuddling together. Sergei followed my gaze.

  “I guess we should head back,” I said.

  No one else was on our green line train car, and I wished we had to travel farther than two stops. Sergei held my gloved hand, and I snuggled against his shoulder.

  “So, what’s the first recipe I get to taste?” He grinned.

  “I was thinking . . . there might be something we can actually go out and do together next weekend. I was going to bribe Aubrey to go with me to the symphony since she doesn’t like classical music, but why don’t you come with me?”

  Sergei’s grin disappeared, replaced by tight lips. “I don’t know, Em.”

  “I don’t think it’ll look questionable. If we see anyone we know, we can say we’re there to check out music for Court and Mark.” I widened my eyes and stared into Sergei’s. “Doesn’t it sound fun?”

  “You’re not playing fair, looking at me like that.”

  “Is that a yes?”

  He paused and scratched his chin. “We’ll have to act very professional.”

  “Do you think you can restrain yourself around me?”

  A slow smile spread over his lips, and he brought his mouth close to mine. “I’ve had months of practice.”

  ****

  The following Saturday evening, Aubrey popped into my room as I zipped up my little black dress. Since she’d been in bed with the flu all week, we h
adn’t discussed my date much. She leaned against the door frame and crossed her arms.

  “It’s so weird you’re going out with your coach. What do you think Chris would say if he knew? Are you gonna tell him?”

  Fumbling with the clasp of my necklace, I fastened the silver chain around my neck and straightened the tiny cross pendant. “I’ve been thinking about telling him after Worlds, when the season’s over.”

  “What about your parents?”

  I moved in front of the mirror, arranging my loose curls over my shoulders and avoiding Aubrey’s concerned gaze. Every time I thought about deceiving my parents, a sharper twinge of guilt hit me.

  “I’ve never hid something this big from them before. My dad, I could probably reason with, but my mom . . . well, you know how that conversation would go.”

  “Does that mean you’re not gonna tell them? How long do you think you can keep it a secret?”

  “Can you let up on the questions? I’m already nervous enough about tonight.”

  “Why are you nervous? It’s not like you don’t know Sergei.”

  I dropped a tube of pink lip gloss into my small black clutch purse and snapped it shut. “I know, but everything’s different now.”

  All evening, my stomach had been turning similar to when I rode the spinning teacups at Disney World as a child. I’d had to force down a few bites of the grilled chicken I’d made for dinner. When Sergei and I had hung out as friends, I always felt comfortable, but I had a different role to play now. I hadn’t been on many dates, and I didn’t know what types of serious relationships Sergei had in the past.

  Later, when the doorbell rang, I examined myself in the mirror once more before grabbing my coat and purse and heading downstairs. As I neared the foyer, I heard Aubrey open the door, and her voice carried up the stairwell.

  “If you hurt Em, you’re going to wish you never knew me.”

  My heels hit the bottom step. “Aubrey!”

  “Sorry, I had to say it.” She started down the stairs to the kitchen. “Don’t bring her home too late!”